HMNZS Wellington (F69) #4I’ve been bitching about how worthless E3 is compared to the smaller single hardware conferences for years. E3 is ok for dropping the scantest of detail on new hardware and namedropping the existence of something I would like without showcasing any relevant detail, but as far as gaming software is concerned, the target audience is everybody you’re affiliated with besides yourself.  DGR runs the ustream chat during E3 keynotes.  I don’t follow a livestream of the actual conference or anything, but I drop by various live IRCs and shoutboxes to watch the awful reactions to E3 unfold during my work day. They don’t cease to amuse. Today I overheard what I gathered to be the Microsoft keynote. I decided to cut and paste the fun snippets I read in passing. I have no idea what was announced at the time, but maybe you can put these into context…or just reminisce about what just happened.

2:12 jluedtke: Oh God…
2:12 jluedtke: This is awful.
2:13 jluedtke: Why do I watch these?

2:24 philhaymes: WTF am I seeing
2:24 scrawnton: hahahaha horrrible
2:24 jarrodj: This is horrifying!!!

2:29 fluffy_nuts: i want to punch this guy
2:29 rwiggum: God, is he giving a gaing presentation to press, or selling coke to strippers?
2:29 jluedtke: The lack of creativity from these companies is actually stupifying.

2:31 jarrodj: I hate this so much.
2:31 deadward: they already have a wii they don’t use anymore though
2:31 jluedtke: I’m just amazed that it took four years to come up with this.

2:33 scrawnton: how is this an adventure
2:33 rwiggum: It was just a mediocre sports collection
2:33 scrawnton: WHERES TEH <censored> ADVENTURE?!
2:33 philhaymes: I see nothing here aside from a great collection of mini games 4 years out of date

2:35 deadward: Whatever, I hope it works out and extends teh life of the 360 a few more years. I don;t want to have to buy another new console in a year
2:35 jarrodj: The fallout from this is gonna be insane

2:38 TeamFremont: See, this <censored> just SOLD my wife on this

2:40 jluedtke: I hate to sound like Hilden here, but it’s times like these that makes me wish Apple was at E3. 😉
2:40 TeamFremont: THAT’S RIGHT!!!
2:40 QuVat: This will totally sell my wife on this

2:42 jarrodj: This is great, but once again the last 40 minutes are things you shouldn’t be showing GAMING press and a GAMING convention

2:43 jluedtke: I don’t hate it. I’m just disappointed.

2:44 jluedtke: If by “iterating” you mean “completely copying”, then yes.

2:44 rockhstrongo: dance game
2:45 philhaymes: seriously this <censored> is terrible
2:45 destrin: okay, I’m impressed by the dancing
2:45 deadward: sweet uprock from the back-up dancers

2:47 jluedtke: I wish Atlus had a live streaming press conference.
2:47 deadward: for real
2:47 jarrodj: Yeah I would much rather watch that
2:47 philhaymes: if I were a 16 year old girl maybe I’d be interested in this

2:51 jarrodj: <censored> George Lucas’s vision
2:51 QuVat: with the STar Wars license
2:51 jluedtke: So an arcade style game. Ok…
2:51 jarrodj: This looks HORRIBLE
2:51 rwiggum: OH <censored>, force powers
2:52 jluedtke: I was trying to get positive here. But I’m ith Jarrod.

2:53 rwiggum: Oh, head tracking
2:53 rwiggum: Nice
2:53 QuVat: oooooh head tracking, like it
2:53 jarrodj: Forza is the LAST racing game I want to play like this
2:55 QuVat: Srsly, who the <censored> is gonna do this? WHo is gonna walk around their living room just to view a car?

2:56 elewis17: Could I scan my g/f’s hot friend into this?

2:59 deadward: we streamlined the design and manufacture, and will still charge you the same price!

3:01 jluedtke: Well played, Microsoft. You just presented the worst E3 conference I’ve ever seen. Congrats.
3:01 TeamFremont: future of the industry. There it was, boys

3:03 philhaymes: I didn’t see a single thing in there that I’d actually want to lay down money for, not a single thing

3:03 QuVat: Maybe, H.  We still don’t have a cost for Kinect?
3:03 jarrodj: For the good of humanity, I pray that this thing tanks like you wouldn’t believe.
3:04 philhaymes: @ john – I think this is the first time that there hasn’t been a single thing in there for me

Thanks for playing. As a consolation prize, here’s a slider shmup coming out this month called Crossfire by Radiantgames
[youtube uEaBHWmxtXo]
‘may or may not be the best news of E3. ha!

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19 Responses to E3: It’s Not For You 2010! (Microsoft’s Chat Reactions)

  1. Hilden says:

    Sigh. I’m afraid I’m going to have to put this out there. I’m speaking only for me here. As one of the three RP heads, I hate that this article of out of context posts paints us as yet another jaded, whiny, bitching group of gamers. In the interest of humor, I’m not deleting it but I can’t say that I agree with the premise.

    I would hope, that of all places, we could be a site that at least tries a little objectivity on for size. As opposed to the legions of gamers who still manage to be bitter and bitchy about a PR event not living up to some sort of expectation.

    However, I wish the babes had bigger tits. I will say that.

  2. John says:

    I think it’s fine. Kinda funny, too. I think we all know eachother well enough around here to have a bit of fun with the whole thing. Plus, it’s a good conversation starter about E3 stuffs.

    With that in mind, and to clarify my views of the whole thing (in full context)…

    Phil posted this on Twitter:

    It pretty much shows how I view the whole conference. I was just completely disappointed that they bought this Natal tech off the shelf, and then all they could think to do with it was blatantly rip off games that I already own. I know people gave it shit last year, but I was excited for Molyneaux’s pedo game Milo. Where is that? That was at least a creative use of the tech. I do hope it shows up sometime this week.

    I see how they are catering to the so-called “casual” market; and that doesn’t bother me at all. But Wii Sports, Wii Fit, Mario Kart, and Nintendogs have already sold millions upon millions of units. Now they expect those “casual” gamers to buy the exact same games over again just because it uses a camera instead of a Wii Remote? Good luck with that. Sincerely: good luck.

  3. PhilthBot69 says:

    Sorry Hilden, I’m with John on most of this. My only complaint is that some of my more witty comments didn’t make the cut 😛

    That said the babes should have had bigger tits.

    But yeah, there was really nothing for me in that conference and I think that the media buying at the end shouldn’t be let off lightly. I’m bored of all this Mii-Too bullshit from Sony and Microsoft.

    Also, agreeing with John, where’s Milo? Whilst creepy it was at least something totally new and had some creativity/potential.

  4. PhilthBot69 says:

    Other thoughts,

    Microsoft should give a free working new 360 to all the people who had a red-ringed 360.

  5. John says:

    Would be cool to get everybody’s opinions about it as well. Anybody out there excited for Kinect and the launch games? What about the conference did you like? What did you hate?

    I will say that the head tracking stuff could work out pretty well. And the Forza stuff could make car-porn junkies wet themselves. Though I definitely like rumble in my racing games, so not having that worries me.

  6. Ryker XL says:

    @John, you could always put the controller in your pants. :)

    I couldn’t watch the conference as almost all good things are blocked out here in HWell land. BUT, if it’s anything like the PlayStation MOVE conference, I could say that I’ll be interested when I see compelling gameplay. And for the games I LOVE to play right now, I don’t need motion control to make them better.

  7. ilduce620 says:

    I watched the Gametrailers feed of the presentation (’cause I’m worthless at my job…). I dunno if anyone else was watching, but the video feed of the woman video chatting with her twin sister was embarrassing to watch. The cue cards they were both reading was ridiculously obvious. Also, the poor guy that had to get up there and dance in front of everyone was awkward as hell. This was the first presentation I’ve actually watched, though, so maybe that’s the norm?

    Overall, I thought the ESPN announcement was the only thing of real value in the whole presentation. I mean, I don’t really watch sports at all, but if I did, I think I’d find that part to be pretty badass, especially the fact that it’s included in a Live Gold Membership. Everything else at the presentation was expected, including Gears 3, Fable 3, Reach, and a wealth of Wii knock offs. I think the Crytek announcement and the Activision CoD exclusivity deal were the few things that weren’t previously expected, but neither of them are deal makers for me…and the Crytek game didn’t show gameplay or cutscenes, so it could be a 2012 title, for all we know.

    The Kinect stuff seems to be mostly tech demo-y. I agree with John that the head tracking could be cool, as well as all the other Kinect features they showed off (e.g. menu navigation). Until I see it integrated into a game I care about, though, I’m not jumping into the pool. When I can use my controller and look to my left or right in a driving game, then we’ll be talking. Or when I can give commands to my squad mates in Halo/CoD, I’ll be excited. None of that was shown, unfortunately. E3 2011, perhaps?

    Keep in mind that I don’t own a 360 and I generally detest Microsoft as a company (Linux user for years). This presentation still doesn’t make me require a 360, even with the good games it has. If you want to paint me as a fanboy, go for it. :-)

  8. John says:

    Fanboy! :) Just kidding.

    All good points. I was also impressed with the ESPN thing. To a degree. It’s free the same way Facebook and are free, and that’s because…well… . Yeah, it’s free on your PC already. Nevertheless, it’s yet another cool feature to have on XBL and another reason I don’t mind paying for the service all that much.

    DOH! I forgot Fable 3. Now, I never finished Fable 2, unfortunately, but I’m always up for Fable. Hopefully they make the multiplayer stuff better somehow.

  9. Moe says:

    My opinion…. this is gonna suck to have to read.

    It’s absurdly difficult for me to be anything other than cynical about most of these presentations. For reasons I’ve been through a thousand times and don’t care to repeat anymore, I loathe the PR shit cones they dish up and force feed to every warm body within reach. I’ll be more than happy to show a little respect for these companies when they can find the time to return the favor. I’m not a fucking idiot. Integrity really does matter to me and I do think about the places I choose to send my cash, whatever the reason. But, I’m also starting to feel more and more that maybe these guys just aren’t for me anymore.

  10. Tiggermango says:

    ESPN3 is only free if you have certain ISPs, so I’m definitely cool with the idea of having it on my 360. Hopefully it runs smoothly!

  11. I’m sorry, but that Crossfire video sucked. I don’t know who did that music but they need to be fired. This should have been used instead:

    And Child of Eden looked… well, I couldn’t tell because I’m not sure there was a second of gameplay in the video, but it good and hopefully Nintendo gets off their ass and gets a motion control add-on so they can get a game like this.

  12. ilduce620 says:

    @John Yeah, I just mentioned it in the spirit of full-disclosure. I just listen to enough podcasts where they say they’re platform neutral in stance, but they constantly bag on the Wii or, to a lesser extent, the PS3. I just figure that those folks should admit their biases and avoid the PR machine that Moe so rightly points out.

    Which, incidentally, is why I love DGR. You guys bag on just about everyone, but you do so for the right reasons: not just because they aren’t your game platform of choice!

  13. Wolf-Bot says:

    I am with Hilden on this one, the babes should have had bigger tits. I also agree with him on the other thing too.

    I keep away from E3. The stuff that is made for E3 is for the press and company’s trying to one up each other in the minds of people the watching. I just read the news that comes out distilled by gaming press that I follow.

  14. tribrix says:

    Reading this does not make you guys out to be a bunch of fan-boy complainers, which would bore the shit out of me, no, reading this is very entertaining, moreso, in that we have little idea what you are talking about at first, hence kind of subverting the whole complaining-as-schtick mode.

    Also, the fact that DGR is an equal opportunity basher when it comes to console ripping, is part of what makes DGR so enjoyable. The only bias I hear from you guys is toward quality and originality.

  15. Ian (DJI) says:

    Dude this isn’t about petty jaded “we’re too cool for everything” crap. This is about the fact E3 has this crazy ability to shut gaming news down for almost a month. And for what?

    Yet, every year, not only do players from all communities (even the ones who know how to spot shovelware and movie-game tie-ins) express interest in E3, they follow it down to the second, completly ignoring how they were bitching about the year before that and the year before that on some part of the internet, hoping “this one is gonna be different I just know it!”

    E3 has gotta be treated more like a footnote similar to other gaming conferences instead of this “mecca of gaming” label that it hasn’t held up to since the 90s.

    Since you cant get away from all the blogging, I find it more fun to watch the people who watch this stuff…in a mystery science 3000 sort a way.

    Meanwhile, I just found out Earthworm Jim HD came out a week ago. Man if the credible indie gaming sites were doing their usual job I would know if this update had any quality to it.

  16. Ryker XL says:

    Still haven’t been able to see the press conference footage, but I do have two thoughts on what Microsoft is bringing to us.

    1. While Kenect LOOKS cool and is obviously being marketed to families as a social interactive device, the reality is that MOST of these customers already bought a Wii and I don’t see any compelling reason why they would want to have another part game device. While the tech is promising and cool, I just think it’s a little too late for them.

    2. The new slim 360 looks pretty BAD ASS and I kinda want one. What they SHOULD do is give one of these babys as a replacement for any 360 that RRD going forward. They won’t, but they should…

  17. John says:

    I’m just sad I can’t participate in the Nintendo and Sony hatefests today because my work blocks all chat rooms. BOO! Throw a few “What the fuck is that?”s in for me, will ya?

  18. John says:

    Well, to my astonishment, Nintendo just proved that an E3 press conference can be fun, entertaining, surprising, and – dare I say – thrilling.

    I haven’t been that entertained during an E3 conference in many years. Nice work.

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