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Last year, I compiled a list of perfectly reasonable excuses to hate NFL football. Personally, I love the game. I love watching it, I love the atmosphere, I love sitting around the television with my family, snacking, drinking, and enjoying Sunday afternoons. But sweet mother of god, there are so many reasons to hate this shit. It’s gotten to the point where I hit the mute button during commercial breaks, and sometimes even during game play. Because, let’s face it, it’s an obnoxious spectacle. So at the risk of beginning a tradition, here is the 2009 Season Edition of “Good Reasons to Hate NFL Football”.
The Fox Football Robot
Seriously Fox: what the fuck? Listen, we like robots, okay? We named our site for the damn things. But this idiotic dancing abomination has to be the worst and most pointless mascot of all time. When the Fox Robot’s not doing warmups and pumping himself up into some sort of ‘roid-rage tizzy, he likes to do karate moves and even play air guitar.
How the hell did he even come into existence? I can just imagine some douche walking into a meeting at Fox Sports…
“Say guys? I’ve got this nephew who sits around all day smoking pot. But he’s really good at computer animation. Can we give him a job?”
The Sunday Night Football Song
Listen, you dickheads: Joan Jett has more attitude in her armpit hair than Faith Hill has in her entire body. And for her to defile “I Hate Myself for Lovin’ You” with this piece of trash is criminal. They couldn’t come up with some sort of original song instead of ruining a perfectly good tune? Of course not, because this is the NFL. If they’re not carting Hank Williams Jr. in from whatever white supremacist rest home life support machine he’s currently plugged into, they’re picking out other shit with which to make our ears bleed. From that pedophile’s Jock Rock anthem “Rock & Roll, Part 2” to “Who Let the Dogs Out?” these folks aren’t exactly known for high musical taste.
As if football hadn’t already turned away from being a team sport to a sport all about the individual, here we have fantasy football, an activity that makes mediocre shmucks on shitty teams seem like gods within their respective positions.
And don’t get me started on those cubicle-dwelling nerds who sit there with their faces buried in their monitors so they can check their fantasy stats. From August to February, these jerkoffs are planning their drafts, trading their players, and trying to rope me into their “it’s way cooler than Dungeons & Dragons” nerd-fest. Most of these pricks just want the latest college phenom to run for 200 yards, despite the fact that his team just lost 48-3.
As if football wasn’t full of enough testosterone, the truck companies have to flood the ad space with some of the most obnoxious, over-the-top truck spots you’ll ever see. Remember the couple years after 9/11 when each truck company was trying to outdo eachother for which truck was the most patriotic? Seriously! It’s a fucking truck! If you’re ever wondering why that pickup truck in front of you has a massive American flag painted in the window, now you know.
And when they’re not touting their love of America, the truck companies want you to know that their truck can haul a mountain. That’s right, Joe Six-Pack, just back your truck up to that pesky mountain over there, wrap a tow cable around it, and move that motherfucker. Because you’re not just a man, you’re an American truck-owning man. Now get yourself a Calvin-pissing sticker and KICK SOME ASS!
Hilden requested that I bring that picture back from last year.
Alright, I’m not among the legion of Favre haters. Sure, he’s retired five times now and can’t make up his damn mind, but in my opinion, that’s his business. If the guy decides he wants to play, fuck it. But what I hate is the circus that surrounds Favre despite the fact that he seems like a relatively low-key country bumpkin. Every fucking year the “Will he? Won’t he?” starts up and goes on for months. And then those morons act surprised every time he changes his mind!
What’s worse is watching games when Favre is playing. Commentators are so far up that guy’s ass they could tell you what he had for lunch. “He just loves the game…of FOOTBALL!” “You’ve gotta let Brett Favre do what Brett Favre’s gonna do.” In the Viking’s season opener against the Browns, I heard a commentator say “Brett Favre” five times in one sentence. Pull your tongue up off the floor, you pathetic, ass-kissing goons!
And there you have it. Another season bitching about the sport I love. Got more NFL peeves? Feel free to post ’em below.