Last year, I compiled a list of perfectly reasonable excuses to hate NFL football. Personally, I love the game. I love watching it, I love the atmosphere, I love sitting around the television with my family, snacking, drinking, and enjoying Sunday afternoons. But sweet mother of god, there are so many reasons to hate this shit. It’s gotten to the point where I hit the mute button during commercial breaks, and sometimes even during game play. Because, let’s face it, it’s an obnoxious spectacle. So at the risk of beginning a tradition, here is the 2009 Season Edition of “Good Reasons to Hate NFL Football”.

The Fox Football Robot

More of a threat to humanity than The Terminator.

More of a threat to humanity than The Terminator.

Seriously Fox: what the fuck? Listen, we like robots, okay? We named our site for the damn things. But this idiotic dancing abomination has to be the worst and most pointless mascot of all time. When the Fox Robot’s not doing warmups and pumping himself up into some sort of ‘roid-rage tizzy, he likes to do karate moves and even play air guitar.

How the hell did he even come into existence? I can just imagine some douche walking into a meeting at Fox Sports…

“Say guys? I’ve got this nephew who sits around all day smoking pot. But he’s really good at computer animation. Can we give him a job?”

The Sunday Night Football Song

Listen, you dickheads: Joan Jett has more attitude in her armpit hair than Faith Hill has in her entire body. And for her to defile “I Hate Myself for Lovin’ You” with this piece of trash is criminal. They couldn’t come up with some sort of original song instead of ruining a perfectly good tune? Of course not, because this is the NFL. If they’re not carting Hank Williams Jr. in from whatever white supremacist rest home life support machine he’s currently plugged into, they’re picking out other shit with which to make our ears bleed. From that pedophile’s Jock Rock anthem “Rock & Roll, Part 2” to “Who Let the Dogs Out?” these folks aren’t exactly known for high musical taste.

Fantasy Football

This is my football fantasy.

This is my football fantasy.

As if football hadn’t already turned away from being a team sport to a sport all about the individual, here we have fantasy football, an activity that makes mediocre shmucks on shitty teams seem like gods within their respective positions.

And don’t get me started on those cubicle-dwelling nerds who sit there with their faces buried in their monitors so they can check their fantasy stats. From August to February, these jerkoffs are planning their drafts, trading their players, and trying to rope me into their “it’s way cooler than Dungeons & Dragons” nerd-fest. Most of these pricks just want the latest college phenom to run for 200 yards, despite the fact that his team just lost 48-3.

Trucks

Big truck...small penis.

Big truck...small penis.

As if football wasn’t full of enough testosterone, the truck companies have to flood the ad space with some of the most obnoxious, over-the-top truck spots you’ll ever see. Remember the couple years after 9/11 when each truck company was trying to outdo eachother for which truck was the most patriotic? Seriously! It’s a fucking truck! If you’re ever wondering why that pickup truck in front of you has a massive American flag painted in the window, now you know.

And when they’re not touting their love of America, the truck companies want you to know that their truck can haul a mountain. That’s right, Joe Six-Pack, just back your truck up to that pesky mountain over there, wrap a tow cable around it, and move that motherfucker. Because you’re not just a man, you’re an American truck-owning man. Now get yourself a Calvin-pissing sticker and KICK SOME ASS!

Brett Favre

Jesus wept.

Jesus wept.

Hilden requested that I bring that picture back from last year.

Alright, I’m not among the legion of Favre haters. Sure, he’s retired five times now and can’t make up his damn mind, but in my opinion, that’s his business. If the guy decides he wants to play, fuck it. But what I hate is the circus that surrounds Favre despite the fact that he seems like a relatively low-key country bumpkin. Every fucking year the “Will he? Won’t he?” starts up and goes on for months. And then those morons act surprised every time he changes his mind!

What’s worse is watching games when Favre is playing. Commentators are so far up that guy’s ass they could tell you what he had for lunch. “He just loves the game…of FOOTBALL!” “You’ve gotta let Brett Favre do what Brett Favre’s gonna do.” In the Viking’s season opener against the Browns, I heard a commentator say “Brett Favre” five times in one sentence. Pull your tongue up off the floor, you pathetic, ass-kissing goons!

***

And there you have it. Another season bitching about the sport I love. Got more NFL peeves? Feel free to post ’em below.

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11 Responses to (More) Good Reasons to Hate NFL Football

  1. Ruks Balls says:

    So John, how’s that new medication working for you?

    :-)

  2. Ryker XL says:

    @John…I LOVE football too. My son plays football and it’s one of the reasons that FALL is my favorite time of teh year. There is that crispness in the air up here and the noise of kids playing football makes me smile. That being said, I have to agree with some of your list. Some notable things that were left out (and pardon me if I repeat stuff from last year).

    1. Annoucers.
    Just because someone was great at playing ths sport, does NOT make them qualified to COMMENT on the sport. Remember Frank Gifford or Dan Dierdorf? Great players that made me cringe everytime I heard them commentate. Today we get to hear from Chris Carter and last night’s debocle of Tony Dungy (hey I sold him a washer dryer set years ago…cool). Dungy was so bad I think may have even shut off his mic. What’s wrong with professional announcers like Brent Mussberger or Howard Cossel (man he was great…I LOVED hating him). Locally we haver a great play by play team and I have tried listening to them while the game was on, but the delay made it unwatchable. So sad…

    2. More Monday Night Games:
    Monday Night Football is an American tradition and no other program has been consistently atop the network rankings than the Monday game (unless you count the Idol phenom). But tonight we get TWO Monday night games. WTF!!! I just want ONE game, I have a life and staying up until 1:00 AM is not part of a healthy work week!

    3. Thursday Night games:
    HEY NFL… You already have me watching college football all day Saturday and then regular season games on Sunday, and oh yeah Monday night. Do you want me to get a divorce? It’s too spread out and I hear that the players HATE the Thursday games. Please stop. That and it screws with my Fantasy Team Management.

    I must agree with the Favre spooning this year. It’s nauscious, but hey, he making my team look much better. :)

    I do disagree on the Fantasy aspect. Yes I DID play Dungeons and Dragons and Yes this IS wayyyy better than D&D. Before Fantasy Football, I was a hardcore fan of my favorite team. When they were done, I was done watching and caring about football. Fantasy Football brings you into the sport in a very special way. I find myself following more of the game and staying on top of what the league is up to, not just my team. Monday mornings at work are filled with great discussions on how everybody did and the games throughout the weekend. It’s a male bonding experience and I can’t find too much fault with that. And if you think that we spend all days in our cubes playing with rosters, think again. MOST work internets block that stuff.

    One positive from yesterday. Flame me, but I thought the Tom Arnold Football Clinic commercials were pretty effing funny.

  3. Tondog says:

    Does Ryker get a plaque or something?

  4. Ryker XL says:

    Do I get a nifty homemade plaque like the Forum Member of the Year one that Rusty got, that was awesome!

  5. Ryker XL says:

    Actually I am quite shocked that Kanye West hasn’t jumped on here proclaiming Phneri’s or DJI’s posts to be way better and more deserving yet,,,

  6. You forgot Coors Light commercials. They’re just so unbelievable… I mean, women enjoying a cool beer? I do enjoy the train and snow that surround me every time I open up a can though.

  7. Ian (DJI) says:

    I remember a massive news story on ESPN was “Favre sends text message to head coach” and this was well discussed for over ten minutes.

    Ryker XL, you win everything, but your posts need more autotune.

  8. Ryker XL says:

    @DJI, either that or spellcheck… :)

  9. Ryker XL says:

    Baaaaabyaaaayy baaaabaaayyyy baaaaaaabaaaaaayyyy now that I neeeeeeeed youuuuuuu. Yeah, need more practice!

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