Mark Millar’s Kick Ass is the story of a bored, lonely, comics-obsessed kid who decides to head out on the streets and fight crime just like the costumed heroes he obsesses over. It doesn’t take long for “Kick Ass” to get his assed kicked…repeatedly. As a reader, the story is amusing and an interesting spin on the whole question of “what if this shit was real?”

Well, in the video above, we find out the answer and it’s not pretty. A group of young do-gooders patrol Cincinnati intending to fight crime and help their fellow citizens. It’s a noble endeavor, to be certain, but one can’t help but feel a bit of pity as they trundle past the camera in ill-fitting spandex and squeaky pubescent voices while attempting to ape superhero mannerisms. It’s just kind of…embarrassing. I mean, Batman is a fucking bad ass. The dude’s ripped and his looming presence makes criminals wet their pants. Spiderman may be a doofus teenager during the day, but that doofus can beat some ass while performing expert acrobatic moves. But these guys? They look like they’d have to take a hit off the inhaler after losing a purse-snatcher in a block-long foot race.

But with comic-book movies making more money than ever, and more and more “real superheroes” events like Watchmen and Heroes putting ideas into the minds of impressionalbe dweebs all over the world, it’s no surprise that this costumed vigilante business is becoming somewhat of a phenomenon. The video above mentions the website The World Superhero Registry, so naturally I had to go over and take a gander.

Jackpot.

After passing through the somewhat questionable Terms and Conditions page, I was greeted by a web-design circa 1996 and a list of conditions that must be met in order to be considered a “Real-Life Superhero”. But this is all just window-dressing. The real meat of the site is the actual registry, so just hit this link and watch the hours melt away from your life.

“Hear my buzz, fear my bite: I inject justice.”

Sweet lord, that’s good stuff.

Naturally, each one of these goofballs has a website or MySpace site so they can promote their good deeds and all-around badassitude to the world. And wouldn’t it figure, we Minnesotans get stuck with the lamest of the bunch, Geist, named after a bad GameCube game and looking like a reject from Jesse James Days in Northfield.

Ah, but this just leads even further down the rabbit hole. Looking at Geist’s profile leads me to his own little Justice League, the Great Lakes Heroes Guild. And damn, these fuckers are organized. Hell, they even have merchandise!

Alright, I’ve given you enough material. Enjoy!

6 Responses to Escapism Gone Awry

  1. Wolf-Bot says:

    I-I-I don’t even know what to say.

  2. SteVader says:

    Pure gold. Thank you.

  3. D.J.I. says:

    DANGER BOY!! GO!!!

  4. Cincinatti, huh? Not too far from where I live.
    Now if I could only find enough supplies to make a costume………..

  5. Ryker XL says:

    This is all very funny….until one of these morons gets shot.

  6. Capn Chunky says:

    “Allegiance Assemble!” -at a library and look up what allegiance actually means. While I commend their apparent altruism, there is no way this plan ends well.
    Ryker has definitely called it here. One of these knuckleheads will ultimately either injure themselves or someone else.
    I suppose this would be funnier if it weren’t so obviously a cry for help.
    On the lighter side though, did anyone else enjoy the homeless guy’s expression of suprise at seeing costumes at a time that “ain’t even Easter”?-ahhh….hobo gold.

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