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Well… yeah. It’s exactly what it looks like: a card game about pimps and ho’s. And just in time for the weekend! It’s filthy, degrading, immoral, disgusting, repulsive, explicit, stereotypical, insulting, abhorrent, and a “Premium Quality Card Game.” I know because it says so right on the box. And I love it.
Pimp: The Backhanding
Published by White Wolf
Ages 18 and up
The purpose of the game is simple: amass the most valuable harem in the ‘hood. This occurs in three rounds of play, as each pimp tries to mack new ho’s and add them to his harem. But watch out for the backhanding sessions! Some ugly sights can be had when the knuckles start swingin’. When it’s all over, every pimp whips out his hobacus and bangs those beads around to calculate the value of his assets. Highest score wins.
Aside from the extreme content of these cards, I think the best part of this game is the remarkably styled art. It’s a crazy colorful, over-the-top urban graffiti vibe. Half the feel of the game comes from the visually descriptive cards and their ridiculous titles, every single one of which is a little masterpiece in of itself. Every one except VD Outbreak… that just ain’t cool.
For those of you trying to read those fuzzy titles, let me be of some help. From left to right: Go Down (uh… no, he’s not riding a mop), VD Outbreak (penicillin – the old standby), and Press-On Nails (disposable weapons). So, on to the pimpin’!
The instructions demand a “card bitch” be selected (it’s in the rules) and assigned the task of dividing the cards into their respective piles: Pimps (a pile o’ pimps), Ho’s (a pile o’ ho’s), and Draw (extra pimps, modifiers, and dirty tricks). The colors representing each deck also happen to closely resemble a traffic light. Seems ironic that the Ho’s are an inviting green, the Pimps are a cautionary yellow, and the precarious Draw cards are a dangerous red. I’m just sayin’… that, and you’ll also need a six-sided die.
Once the cards have been sorted and stacked, the “card bitch” deals five Ho’s face up in the center of the table. These are the current streetwalkers for the round. Then the “bitch” deals every player five pimps, which are immediately placed face up in front of each player. This is your posse. Just like in real life! Finally, everybody is dealt five Draw cards. Any Draw deck pimps may be played immediately, otherwise the cards are kept in each player’s hand for use when the opportune moment arises to assault, undermine, or otherwise devalue your neighbor’s harem.
Here are a few of the “heroes” of Pimps: The Backhanding. That’s Rush Daddy and Kaiser von Crane. He’s German! You’ll notice they both have a rather flaccid backhanding value of +1, while their respective macking values of +2 and +3 are of more substantial girth. Gross.
These are a couple of the hard working gals you’ll have the opportunity to mack, I mean court. Notice Sheryl has a crack pipe and a cash value of $25, the same as about three frozen pizzas. Eimi, on the other hand, demands $150, a hot iron, and your total submission. Kind of a niche market, these two.
This image is here for no reason other than to tip my hat to whoever drew this trio of cards… obviously from one of the deepest wells of spite on earth. The three ho’s: Ben’s Sister, Ben’s Mom, and Ben’s Mom (Chinese version). I’m not sure who Ben is, but one of the pimp’s name is Ben and one of the play testers’ name is is Ben. One in the same? Who knows. Only the exceptionally gifted gentleman who drew those cards knows. May he revel in his magnificent spite for all of eternity. But we’re off track… again, and just as we were about to start the game. Anyway, each round consists of three phases: Macking, Backhanding, and Money Laundering.
Phase One: Macking
Each player places one pimp next to the ho he would like to try and win for his “team of employees.” Keep in mind, a pimp may only be used once per round, NOT once per phase. Plan accordingly. Nothing is worse than a poorly managed posse. The pimp with the highest macking score after all modifiers and the obligatory die roll are considered gets to saddle up the ho and ride her back to his stable… (too much?) Pimp’s Mack value + macking modifier cards + die roll = Mack Score. Pretty simple.
Phase Two: Backhanding
If you came out with the short end of the pimp cane during the macking phase, not to worry, you still have a chance to render those ungrateful ho’s useless to their new pimps in the backhanding phase. During this part of the round, players may assign pimps who did not take part in the macking phase to an opposing pimp’s ho that was just won via the mack attack. The winning pimp must defend those ho’s, whether he wants to or not. You know it’s hard out there for a pimp. But, just as in phase one, the pimp with the highest backhanding total is the winner. Pimp’s Backhanding value + backhanding modifier cards + die roll = Backhanding Score. Just as simple.
Phase Three: Money Laundering
Any ho’s you have successfully macked and defended are now yours and are immune to any further backhanding attacks by jealous pimps, however, players may use any other appropriate cards that might alter the value of the ho’s won by anybody this round. When all pimp masters agree they have no more cards to play, the “card bitch” deals out five more lovely ladies to the center of the table, hands out five additional Draw cards to everyone (you get to keep any unused cards from the previous round) and the next round begins. Remember, it’s three rounds and out. After the third round, everybody adds up the value of their ho’s. Highest total value wins.
Before we say goodbye, I thought I’d leave you with a few of the standard fare Draw cards. First up is Funky Bass Line. Not much to say, funk just feels soooo good. That second card… you are correct, it says Pimptonite. Classy! And for our connoisseurs of fine cinema, that last card is called Porno Film with Donkey. I think it’s a foreign flick. Either way, it certainly breathes new life into the term “beast of burden.”
Now… start struttin’!