Living in the Minus World – The Former United States of America

During your time of  economic crisis and inability to run a National Presidential Election, We the Great British Empire have decided it’s about time that to take the reigns once more. We feel that we gave you more then enough July 4th Holidays and frankly the idea that some of your larger companies that have offices here are forcing this upon the people of our great nation is absurd. 

To provide more information on this, our Chief Ambassador to the Rest of the World, John Cleese has provided a written statement on behalf of Her Majesty The Queen. Please take proper time to read and understand everything listed here. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Sir John Cleese.

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and
‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as
“like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn
your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager.

New Zealand beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also  part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a
cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or
wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of Nancies). Don’t try
Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of the Americas (and OK, Japan). Since only 2.1% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

5 Responses to Living in the Minus World – ‘The Former USA’

  1. Moe says:

    I will not eat your bowls of peas!

    Other than that, I’m down. England certainly can’t do any worse. At least the British can actually speak and spell the damn language.

  2. John says:

    Let’s go. It sure can’t get any worse.

  3. Philthy says:

    18. Peas shall be served as a side-dish with every meal. For the record, it is ‘side-dish’ and not the term ‘sides’ which in actual fact does not even make sense. Also the word ‘cents’ shall now be spelt as ‘sense’.

  4. Phil wants us to be a country full of pussies like that little island he comes from? Fuck that! I’m gonna get my semi-automatic guns ready.

    And the FBI shot JFK.

  5. Oops, John Clease… but I bet Phil echoes his words.

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